“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi
I have been feeling angry. For the past month, I have been letting that feeling consume my being. I find myself cursing at people in my head, at articles I read, at movies I watch, at anything that bothers me at the moment.
I am not angry with anyone or anything. Yet, Anger has crept into my chest and into my head, mocking my thoughts…
But here is the catch: I have been observing it.
I have allowed Anger to make its visits all the while sitting back and observing its every move. I watch how it makes me think. I watch how it makes me feel. I watch what it makes me do. I allow it.
It is a feeling I do not normally let linger too long. Anger! Why do you come? Where do you come from? When will I let you go?
You only have two volumes, said my sister in the past, referring to my levels of Anger. You go from Level 1 to Level [Infinity]; there is no in between.
I like to disagree.
You see, in my process of self-awareness, I have learned to be very mindful of my emotions. Because I have reached that level of consciousness, it is easy for me to let go of negative emotions the moment I acknowledge their presence. And believe me when I tell you that I become aware of their presence pretty quickly as the feeling is now becoming unfamiliar to my body (most of the time I am in a very positive mood, and I know that feeling very well).
I don’t remember where I learned this little trick, but I imagine emotions as Horses. Yes, HORSES. When I feel anger or stress, I imagine myself physically sitting on the Anger Horse, or the Stress Horse. Why would I want to stay sitting on either? So then I make the conscious decision to imagine myself getting off that horse to jump onto the Happy Horse. Or whatever Positive-Emotion Horse I can imagine at the moment.
Silly? Perhaps. But it is a game I play when I feel any sort of negative emotion. I am in control. And there are times where I think to myself, No. I am staying on this horse. I want to feel Anger right now. Or Sadness. Or Pain. I feel it, and I cry it out if I need to. I try to be careful not to hurt anyone, but if I catch myself doing so, I genuinely apologize. And then I make the decision to move on.
The reason I am telling you this is because I do not want you to think my life is always stress-free and rosy. That is not the impression I want to give. And I am not just a passive person. If I do not react to conflict, stress, etc., that is because I consciously choose to move away from a negative emotion. It is something I am still learning how to do. For now, I still get mad, yes, and I still will curse. But more often than not, I am on the positive end of the spectrum =)
Everyone is allowed to feel negative emotions – just acknowledge that you are feeling said emotion, and then let it fly for the sake of your own wellbeing. We are all a work-in-progress.
That being said, I am ready to step down from my Anger Horse. I have watched it for a while and know that the way it makes me feel is something I do not like. And don’t get me wrong – I have not been walking around like an angry mad woman or attacking anyone. HAHA! I am happy when I am happy but have felt my spirits and patience level extremely low for what feels like a month now. I may be absorbing emotion from my environment, work stress, people, or even world situations (as you can imagine), but whatever the reason, I have chosen to feel Anger this long… It is very unlike me, and I am ready to move on.
Next step? Go back to my daily exercise/gym routine! I have stopped going to the gym since summer started, and I can feel my body and my brain screaming for me to get it together. I also have two weeks to ramp my energy back up to be ready for Tough Mudder 2014. Yikes!
I wish you all happy thoughts and magical dreams! And remember – Happiness is a choice…
Love and Respect,
PS: I ran away to the coast for the weekend to reenergize my soul and clear my mind. I’ll be posting about that adventure on a later blog [You can find it find it here now], but for now I leave you with my awesome Spirithood. Haha! I’m a total kid deep inside, and I love these Spirithoods. But I especially like that they support the conservation of endangered species <3 … Check them out =)